Step into Fear

I woke up that night startled... I'd been in and out of precious sleep for hours. We'd been driving through the night for what seemed like forever... but I felt the van rumble to a halt and now, I was awake. I was in the way back crammed between Christmas presents, blankets, and supplies. It was pitch dark outside and there were no other cars to be seen. I saw my two friends outside with the hood of the van open... and smoke was everywhere. When I found my voice I finally asked what in the world was going on.

I learned we were in the middle of Utah, the van broke down because we'd forgotten to put some cap back on. They'd tried to cool it down and used up all of our water in doing so... and still no luck. There was also no one who could get cell phone service at the time. Apparently there aren't too many towers in the middle of no-where-Utah, go figure. Did I mention there were also Coyotes howling in the background... or that is was six hours before someone stopped to help us (it was maybe the 3rd car we saw in six hours so not bad odds)?

I thought the entire situation was utterly hilarious. I remember laughing hysterically over the entire thing... and then regretting it because it made me so thirsty for the water we did not have.

My point I guess in all of this is... not once did I fear. Not once did I wonder if someone would come and rescue us. Not once did I question whether or not God would take care of us. It didn't even cross my mind.

I've been in many dangerous situations... lost in many foreign places... broken down on more than one unfamiliar road. I've walked the streets of African slums and the ravaged streets of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. And not once in all of that did I question whether or not He would protect me... not once did I doubt Him. I don't remember being afraid...and if I ever was it must have been quickly overwhelmed by how deeply I trusted Him to walk with me through it.

The day I saw those two perfect pink lines... the day I realized I was going to be a mother... all of that changed.

And I was terrified.

I wasn't terrified of her coming into the world, I wasn't afraid of being a mother or the fact that my entire life was about to change.

I was terrified that something might go wrong, that I might loose her. The first three months I carried her I walked on eggshells. I was afraid of every small twinge in my abdomen. Every symptom I had "What to Expect When Your Expecting" didn't dedicate a section to. I probably talked to every nurse on the OB floor. I ate everything healthy, nothing caffeinated, and didn't so much as take a tylenol those first three months. When my first trimester was over and things were fine... I took a deep breath and relaxed a little, let myself have a candy bar or cup of coffee every now and then and didn't worry at every new sensation. That was, until I was barely sixteen weeks pregnant and woke up in the middle of the night covered with blood.

Panic and mind gripping fear overwhelmed us that night. And although I have not spent every waking moment since then afraid... there is always that fear that rises up when I wake in the dark of night... or when I don't feel her move for awhile. That underlying fear that unsettles... shakes me...

And yesterday I was feeling like a "ye of little faith" and remembering verses like "perfect love casts out all fear" and "without faith it is impossible to please God" and something in me broke open.

The things in my life that require great faith are the things I'm most terrified of... because within those things lye my deepest desires, my greatest dreams... my secret longings and deep loves. This isn't being stranded on a road in the middle of nowhere. This is my daughter. The is the baby I have prayed for my entire life. This is flesh of my flesh. This is a deep dream of my heart now reality that grows within me.

And no one has to tell me... I know that to move into places of great faith we first have to enter the places that shake us... terrify us. I know... and I'll be transparent here... It's impossible to please God unless I do the things I'm afraid of.

I knew a man once who said that it wasn't a sin to doubt but that God didn't like it. Who said that the only thing we should fear is God... and to fear anything else means we don't have enough faith.

I think, good intentioned as he was, he was wrong.

Fear offers two routes, flight or faith.

To be so scared that you are trembling... but allowing Him into the deep places of your heart anyway... takes tremendous faith. And just as I was beginning to doubt and feel as if I've fallen so short I felt Him whisper.

"Entering into your greatest fears is the first step in great faith."

Which left me thinking... "yeah, God but I mean... we didn't really have a choice in this, it's not like we willingly stepped in, I mean... I'd like to say we would have but we probably wouldn't have given the choice."

"Your choice came when you learned you were standing in the midst of terror and fear and you chose not to flee."

This has shaken me. I have feared... many times. My two greatest fears on this earth are loosing my husband and loosing my child. And to be told a few weeks ago that one of those fears was entirely possible terrified me.

But then came the songs in the night, the prayers of the faithful, the places in my heart I handed over to Him that I didn't even know were there. Then came the sweet intercession that came when she kicked and I asked God to let me raise her... here. Then came faith. And yes... the fear comes. It comes in times and ways we don't expect it. It comes as I bare my heart on these pages. It comes before every ultrasound. And although the odds are now stacked in our favor... two weeks ago they were most definitely not. And we know all too well how quickly everything can change. And I'm learning something about faith.

Just as much as your faith can't be based on circumstance it also doesn't mean you're fearless. It means in the midst of all that terrifies and shakes you... you hand over those things which are most precious to you anyway. Even though you long for facts and statistics and certainty... you cling to what you cannot see. It means you allow Him to chip away at the fear and allow perfect love to melt even the most terrifying places. Faith means you bear witness even when you feel shaken... to speak His name even when you feel you can't do it justice. It means you become the person your scared to be in the midst of the mess and the confusion and the fear. I'm not saying I'm there, I'm not.

I realize now that walking dangerous roads and breaking down in the middle of nowhere didn't require much faith for me... those weren't great fears. It was easy to trust because it was just me. I trusted Him with me. Handing over those we love the most is so much more difficult.

It hasn't been easy to hand Him my daughter and tell Him I trust Him with her.... even though I know I can. It hasn't been easy to share our story, our faith, and our flaws on these pages... even though I know I'm supposed to. It hasn't been easy to hang in the balance of the seen and unseen... even though we've been asked to drop to our knees and stay awhile.

And that's where the perfect love floods in... slowly pierces our hearts and gives us the ability to stand in that place and whisper His name. That's where the faith comes in... the courage to offer Him all we have to give... even if it's not much... and entrust Him with our fragile hearts.

I deeply long to be someone of great faith... and I know now that it means I might have to stand in the fear for awhile and choose to walk through it. I know that I need to willingly choose to enter in to some of those things that terrify me most. And there are a few things He has revealed to my heart... places that I haven't wanted to go for fear of rejection or pain or inconvenience that I now know I need to step into. There is the woman I've always known I'm supposed to be... but the part of me that doesn't want to go there because I might fail.

I'm going to go there now, some of those places of fear... because even if I fail miserably at least I'll know His heart in the midst of it.

And that's enough. His love... it's enough...

Beautiful Community

Nearly a month ago we sat in the emergency room and alternated between prayer and mild panic, between "the Peace of God that passes all understanding" and nausea.

In the days and weeks that followed that night those we know well... and those we barely know have fallen to their knees and whispered prayers from the depths of their hearts... for us. People have gathered in groups, come together, and they have surrounded and held us. We have received visits and letters and emails from sweet souls who have asked God to heal and mend and be glorified in all of this.

And Yesterday, we were told again that the hematoma has continued to shrink and is now fairly small compared to the pregnancy. And I was officially taken off of bed rest... something we were told was incredibly unlikely for my pregnancy. He is healing... He is mending... and our sincere hope is that He has been made known and glorified in every moment of this.

Today as I marveled in my new freedom of folding laundry, sorting piles of pink baby clothes, and pacing the floor offering whispered thanks... I realized something.

I'm going to miss this.

No, not the bed rest... not the mild panic and sick feeling that came when I worried about my daughter. I'm going to miss being sweetly held by so many. In the last month we have shared our hearts and our fears more rawly than perhaps ever before. We have allowed ourselves to be real and vulnerable with anyone willing to pray. We've allowed each of you in to the places of our hearts that are most deep and sacred. And we're better for it.

And today between whispering praise... I told Him how badly I didn't want that part to end. The part that has brought a sweet community into our lives. The part where we've been so honest about where we're at that it hurts... only to be held in a way that has moved us to love Him better. The part where I lay my heart bare in black and white... only to have all of you respond in a way that moves me to tears. I don't want to give that part up. I don't want to give up the part where we all get honest about the times when we hear Him whisper... and the times when we struggle to feel Him. I've come to deeply love that part of this.

This has changed not only us but the direction we were going. It has changed our perspective and drawn out some of our deepest passions. I still cannot work for the remainder of my pregnancy and each of my kids has been sweetly settled in to a new place which leaves me able to search my heart. We have learned, in all of this, that even our best laid plans can crumble leaving us in sweet surrender to whatever He would lead us to. And right now, I am at peace with allowing Him to usher me into new places. Right now, I am fully and utterly content with carrying Jayda and loving my husband and meeting for coffee with many of you. I am soaking up the mornings alone with my Jesus and having no agenda except for what He lays before me. This has been a sweet time of reconnection in so many ways.

And I'm praying that part doesn't end. We deeply value the community that has formed around us and the real and honest way so many of you have shared your hearts in response to our situation. I have loved getting to better know so many of you who have come and sat on the couch with me and shared your life. Please don't stop. I'd love if we could all continue on this walk of loving Him... together. A deep dream of my heart has always been to share life with many.... over coffee and laundry. So many of you have made that a reality... and one I want to hold tightly to.

So come on over... I'll make you some coffee... and we continue to marvel together over a Love so deep you cannot remain unchanged by it.

Much Love,
Kayla

Meet our sweet girl!

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, for the second time we were told we're having a baby girl... and we could not be more thrilled! She is perfect... absolutly perfect. And today we got to see every inch of her. And let me tell you this one... I think she's going to be a dancer... she does not quit moving! We are so so excited for you all to meet the sweet little girl you've all been on your knees for...

So... without futher ado please meet our sweet Jayda!!!!

Isn't she precious???

This is actually an ultrasound picture from the night I went into the ER but it's the best one yet.

We didn't find out much today as I only had the ultrasound and not my regular appointment. I go in Wednesday and will post again after that.

Thank you... from the bottom of our hearts... for continuing to cover our sweet baby girl.

Much Love,
Kayla

Many of you have made yourselves known these past few weeks. Until now, I really had no idea how many read my words. And in so many ways I am completely thankful and totally flattered. But honestly... I think I need to confess that more than once I have gone back intending to delete a post. It's not easy to allow so many into the shadows of your heart... your walk... your flaws. And as much as I love to write... I've always done it more for myself than anyone else. Maybe it's a defect... I need to write things... relive them before I fully understand.

So lately my fingers hit the keys often... in an effort to make all that is grey in my life tangible with black and white. I used to scrapbook life... I never fully took to that. I've always liked this better, simple and honest... letting words come and not allowing myself to edit their depth nor their simplicity. I have years of journals written. It was only recently that I began to to share those words with all of you.

This hasn't been easy for me.

When it comes to letting each of you in to the confines of my heart... to the things of that keep me up at night...my humanness and flaws... my questions and fears and my deep deep love for Him... I've struggled. Yet, I feel deeply compelled to share. And I have been blessed in doing so.

Many of you who read this I know well. Others, I know but not deeply. And still others of you I have never even met. And I just want to say that as hard as it has been for me at times to share so much of my heart... you all have made it incredibly wonderful. Your kind words, letters, and emails have moved me beyond words. And for those of you who have written and told me that you've been reminded of His love... of the God who gives songs in the night... within the confines of these pages... I'm humbled. My deepest hope is that my words would be full of Him.

If you're here and havn't made yourself known to me... I'd really love to meet you :)

I think all I simply wanted to say is that I'm glad each and every one of you are here... and although sometimes this is difficult for me... you have made it completely worth it.

Much Love,
Kayla

OH!! Don't forget to stop back Monday to meet our sweet baby!!!

Breathing Deeply...

We had another appointment today. This one was a little longer. Our ultrasound tech was wonderful! She took her time and let us look at every finger... every toe... spine and ribs... heartbeat. It was wonderful. Simply wonderful.

Afterwards, we headed to Dr. Goerish. She came in and greeted us with such good news. The hematoma is measuring only about half of what it did last week! This is a very good thing... as it leads us to believe that it may just disappear completely within a few weeks. I smiled the entire appointment. There are, of course, no certainties. But, this is good news... and we are rejoicing!

They did find a septum on my uterus. I had no idea what exactly a septum was. This is my basic understanding after Dr. Goerish explained it to me:

Basically, my uterus is shaped like a heart. Imagine the middle of the heart goes down too far. That is a septum... basically a part of the muscle that just goes down too far. She explained that it puts you at a larger risk for a miscarriage (but then told me that I am past the point where they worry about that as our baby did not implant on the septum but to the right of it.) She said we do need to watch it because it does put me at higher risk for pre-term labor and a C-section as it constricts how baby grows and limits the positions the baby can be in.

I laughed. I know... probably not appropriate... but I did. I mean, at this point I'm pretty much a high risk for everything... so this was simply not that shocking.

"Aren't I already at a high risk for both of those things?"

We both laughed. She went on to explain that she doesn't think this is a big deal right now as it doesn't seem to be interfering with anything at this point and we will simply continue to watch it. I went on to tell her that at this point I could care less how this baby is delivered as long as we have a healthy, near full term baby.

She is also allowing me to have a little more freedom. I still cannot work or lift or do anything strenuous whatsoever. BUT... I can get up a little more, do my dishes, fold the laundry, and simply stand up!!!! Sweet goodness I never knew I'd be so grateful to be able to stand.

Amazing how God changes your perspective.

My thyroid also came back a little off. So she did a couple of more tests today and said she has had one other patient who had heart palpitations because her thyroid was off during pregnancy. If my levels are off again today she'll put me on medication for that and everything should be fine. More, good news. And, everything with the heart monitor came back normal :)

Oh... and in other news... We found out what our sweet little baby will be today! And yes, we even have a name. But, as we want to be fully sure before we introduce you to our sweet little babe so you can pray for him/her by name, we are waiting until next week to introduce you. I'll post pictures then... promise!!!

Stay tuned. As always, we are humbled and so grateful that you are walking this road with us.

Much love,
Kayla

Loves like a Hurricane

I wake up often in the night these days. I've always liked the night. The darkness, stillness, the quiet of it. And often when I lye there I think of these beautiful words

"Your protector will not slumber." (Ps. 121)

He doesn't sleep... my Jesus. And when night comes and closes in and I lye awake it's nice to know I'm not alone. I lye awake with the One whose loved me all my life. And faithful and true, that love has carried me. Through every dark night, every fear, every moment that love has held on. Because of that love I've never been the same.


In Job it says that God gives us songs in the night.. (Job 35:10) He would be... the God who gives songs even in the darkest of night. The God whose love is more real than the fear. The one who holds your tears in a bottle. Here's the thing about me... I really believe it. Every word of it. I believe he speaks through burning bushes and sends manna from heaven. I believe in the God who parts the water and the Jesus whose very touch could heal. I believe He gives songs in the night and keeps every single one of my tears in a bottle.

I've had many conversations with many of those I dearly love in the last two weeks. Those who believe it.. and those who don't. Those that are scared for us, those who care, those who have walked a similar road with their own children. People who have asked questions about survival chances and told us how awful it is that we are going through this. And we are so grateful for the love and the mercy of so many.

But the word awful doesn't really seem to fit.

One of the songs He's brought in the middle of the night is the one that talks about His love being like a hurricane (How He Loves). At first thought... I know, hurricanes are violent and scary... overpowering and consuming. Hurricanes and unpredictable and turn lives upside down. But same song, every night...same words that play over and over in my heart. "He loves like a hurricane."

On second thought. Scary, unpredictable, overpowering and consuming just might fit. His love is consuming even in the dark of night. It is unpredictable and has wrapped itself around me in the most uncertain times I have ever faced. When I am a mess of fear... His hurricane love overpowers... takes over... I have known what it is to be quieted with His love. Every moment of every day that I lye here... I have known. The songs in the night... they overwhelm me... and I bend beneath His incredible mercy... the weight of glory. The only thing greater than my fear... His affection for me.

Awful isn't the word.... because this fear... this pain.. this not knowing is eclipsed by the depth of His love and the songs that come in the night. Because, you see, He redeems even the most difficult roads... I've seen Him do it. A sweet friend of mine who knows deeply what it is to fear for the life of your child wrote me this last night.

"I don't know what will happen in all this, but it is actually a SWEET time to be held by God... Don't hold back."

I like that word much better.... sweet.

A sweet time to be held, to let Him give songs in the night, to spend time with my Jesus who does not slumber... to let Him overpower my fear with His violent love. And I don't want to hold back. She's right, my friend. We don't know what will happen in all this. We never really know. But to be overwhelmed by love from the Jesus who does not sleep... that is sweet... my goodness is that sweet. To know he treasures with me every kick and move right along with me...

He really does quiet with His love. My spirit knows that to be true. He holds my fragile heart. As my sweet friend also said... "It only gets scary if you don't let go of the steering wheel..."

Because His love... it's like a hurricane.

And this time... uncertain as it may be... is becoming oh so sweet.

Oh sweet Jesus... thank you for redeeming the uncertain road we travel... there is not one moment in all of this that you have missed.

Because your Love... it's like a hurricane.

Much Love, Faith, and Hope,
Kayla

Hope

**Warning I tend to get a little long winded. If you are here strictly for a medical update... just scroll to the bottom :)

As I sat in the waiting room today waiting to be called back for my ultrasound this beautiful peace just swept over me.... As I felt our sweet baby move around in my belly I found that I treasured the waiting. I didn't know what they were going to tell me or what they were going to see. So... for that moment I kind of relished in not knowing.

Our appointments today were long, and there was so much information to take in. Risks and percentages, opinions and medical terminology. My ultrasound technician Lorie was so sweet. She was very kind and told me she'd seen a few mommies with a subchorionic hematoma.

"Some of them go on to have full term deliveries and very happy endings. Plenty of them do... I always tell people to hope for the best."

I treasured each sweet moment watching the baby kick and move. At one point we both laughed because baby was waving right at us.

After the ultrasound I went on to see Dr. Goerish. Of course, we had many questions for her. What is the survival rate? What is the likelihood we will deliver a premature baby? Do we need to see a specialist? Is there a chance that my early pregnancy complications were because of this and it just went undetected? And so on.

She gently answered each question for us as best as she could. Yes, we are at risk for delivering a premature baby. There isn't exactly a survival rate... it very much depends on the case. She will refer us to a Perinatologist once I am twenty weeks who deals with high-risk pregnancies. Yes, this could have gone undetected early in my pregnancy which is why I had problems. She was kind and reassuring and incredibly understanding of our fears. She has personally called me quite a few times in my pregnancy and I can simply tell that she cares deeply about her patients. I cannot express in words how comforting it is to have Dr.'s who care in such a genuine way.

After that I went for lab work and then to cardiology.

In the last week I've been having some symptoms Dr. Goerish wants to check out. All of the suddenly my heart will pound and I'll get a terrible headache. I almost feel like I've taken some kind of stimulant. I get fidgety and shaky and sometimes wake up in the middle of the night. I told her I think it is just anxiety... she said it very well could be but that she wanted me on a heart monitor for the next 48 hours to make sure I'm not having any irregular rhythms. I'm not to worried... although our living room is beginning to look more and more like a hospital. I have the big straw mug from the hospital, balloons, flowers, and now sticky things all over my chest with a little portable monitor :) I must admit... the food around here is far superior to hospital food. Thanks to all of you!!!

There is a sweet peace that has lingered over our home that last couple of days. I'm finding it easier to rest and simply to wait. Yesterday, when I woke up... I just buried my head in the pillow and the Lord and I had a nice long heart to heart. I know we have very little control over this. I know that things could go either way. I know the risks and the success stories. I also know that we are really realizing what it means to have faith in what you cannot see. We know that the road ahead is long... and that there will be days when our hearts ache and days when we rejoice. We are simply so grateful so many of you have entered into this with us. I cannot tell you what it is like to feel covered in the prayers of so many. We are so grateful for each of you.


Here are the details of what we found out today as well as what we would ask that you pray for:

The next weeks are crucial. It is very important that I stay on strict bed rest as this can help significantly with bleeding and keeping things stable. Once I reach 20 weeks (I'm 17 weeks now) we will be referred to a Perinatologist who will work with Dr. Goerish on my case. We are at risk for having a premature baby... and the very earliest I could be delivered would be 23 weeks. Of course, our hope is to make it much, much longer. We don't have the full details of my ultrasound yet... at first glance it looks like things haven't changed much. The subchorionic hematoma is very close to my placenta(it almost looked attached on the ultrasound) which is not a good thing (the further away the better). Right now baby's heart rate and growth are right on target. I'm on a heart monitor for the next 48 hours to make sure everything is going well there. From now on I will have both weekly ultrasounds and weekly appointments to closely monitor everything.

Specifics you can pray for:

1. That whatever is going on with my heart will stop. Whether it is small anxiety attacks or irregular rhythms pray that my heart will beat perfectly.

2. That the clot would get smaller and not bigger (Dr. Goerish said it either gets bigger or smaller, they do not usually stay the same size)

3. That the baby would continue to grow unhindered and the placenta would stay securely attached to the wall of my uterus.

4. That God would continue to provide. We have seen His hand in so many ways.

5. Most importantly, pray that we would give Him praise with our lives and make known His love as we walk this out. We are deeply humbled that he would use our situation to bring so many to their knees.

We cling to the Hope that does not change and the peace that defies our situation.

Much Much Love,
Kayla