created life.

Look very closely.... there are two pink lines.

Amazing really, that two pink lines can change your life.

I crept back into bed after seeing those two life changing lines... and for a moment just reveled in how much I love my husband.. how lucky I am to be held by a man who protects and cares for me as though I am rare and precious. And then whispered into his ear "Want to know something?"

He nodded.

"We're going to have a baby."

And we smiled. God is fabulous at breathtaking moments. And I love that our life together seems to be full of them.

The rest of that morning is a memory I'd like to keep for myself. The sacred moments after we found out that our lives will never be the same. In the dark, quiet warmth of morning we embraced together an incredible gift. To know and be known by a God who took our love and out of it... created life.

More to come soon. Promise.

Much Love,

Kayla

What Life Looks Like these Days...

There is a one year old tugging on my jeans... and I'm drinking chocolate coffee thats been warmed up three times. The girls are playing under the table dressed in hats and mittens.... (it's like 80 degrees outside) and 6 month old Mady is torturing the puppy.... The kitchen is a mess and my paperwork is lost... I'm half watching a video for the Bloom Book Club and half making peace between toddlers..and I have the biggest smile on my face... and the deepest gladness in my heart.

I love the body of Christ. I love the messiness of ministry. I love imperfection and how it gives us this chance to see God's grace in a way we never would without it. I love that daily each of us has the chance to become the hands of Jesus.... here. now. in this place. I love that God allows chocolate coffee to warm my heart and two girls dressed in mittens to make me laugh. I love that Angie Smith designed a book club I can do online so I can feel like a part of something... a community even though it's just me and the kids in this big big house most of the time. I love that the people in this house work with each other in such a way that it honors me to be a part of it.

I even like that we have really bad days... days where we want to quit and throw in the towel. I like it because it makes us realize how incredibly human we are and how very much we need Jesus in the every day things... like finding the lost paperwork. having patience with the three crying babies and the tantruming toddler. making lunch for twelve. and cleaning up the same mess five times over. I like it because we are reminded daily to keep Him in every little bit of our lives. We are stretched and get to see the ugly parts of ourselves come out when we snap... and then we get to humbly ask for forgiveness. I like it because it's good for me. It forces me to get over myself and my issues. And that, is a very good thing.

There have been some beautiful changes here the last month or two. There is a new mother here who needed refuge and healing... She and her 18 month old daughter add to the beauty here in ways I cannot describe... and watching this woman begin to heal and laugh again is daily reminding me of the ridiculousness of grace.... There is a young college student here who has blessed this ministry in ways I cannot describe. She brings laughter to my soul and is such an encouragement and complete joy. There is a precious new little one year old boy who now spends his days with us as well. As always, it is a house overflowing :) And my is it good.

compelled...

To look into the eyes of a woman whose life has been shattered.... and see a longing to know Jesus unlike I've seen in a long time.

To hold a baby who lives in a dirty apartment with two pieces of furniture and a mommy who has no car, no money, and no hope.... and feel her body relax in your arms knowing she is safe...

To talk with a man who used to only see black and white and has learned how to see gray... to watch his redeemed, transformed life touch so many....

To look and see someone precious to me walk a terrible road, one that will scar her and hurt her beyond what she is able to know.... and be able to do nothing about it....

To loose a friend to the lies of this world and the enticement of riches and power and sin..... and have to watch it destroy her.

To watch a mother who has done nothing but sacrifice her entire life for those she's loved be told she has a disease that will ravage her body and leave her with yet more pain.... and wish I could take it away.... only to watch her walk the road with such dignity and grace it takes my breath away.

This is why I havn't been writing.... there are simply no words. There are no words to descirbe the great suffering of so many of those I love..... and there are no words for the redemption and hope I see transforming lives and healing hearts. Nothing I could write could convey some of the conversations I've had or tears that have been shed. I am watching Jesus move in a way that both humbles and astounds me in the lives of people all around me. And yet, I am watching many choose the darkness in which they live over the life He offers and it is breaking my heart.

I'm taking long walks lately not because of the beautiful fall weather but because there is so much welling up in my heart I just have to go be with Him to speak with Him about it. I'm driving around late at night because prayers leave my lips with such passion and convition I'm not sure it's me speaking..... there is this burden in my heart I can not explain for the lost, the hurting, the broken, those who live a life of shame and brokenness and darkness....

There is something coming up in me.... something I have to step into... encounter... be changed by... I know it because the situations all around me speak so loudly of it that I simply cannot ignore the feeling that something is shifting in my life. Maybe it's the way I pray... the way I love... the way I speak... the people He lays sweetly into the heartbeat of my life. I don't know... but something is moving in me and I simply cannot explain it. I am moved by situations and people in a way I never have been before.... I hold the kids differently than I've ever held them.... look at them with new eyes almost... as my love for them just grows deeper and deeper with each passing day that I care for them.

Life is messy right now. There are moments I feel like God is bringing out all of the ugly in me so that He can convict and change me so I might become a better lover of those around me. I'm being compelled to speak up in situations where normally I would remain silent. I'm compelled to risk being a fool on the chance that it might bring Him glory. I'm seeing my flaws in a way that forces me to be raw and honest about who I really am.

Something is shifting... and I haven't had the words.... so if you are still here... and still reading... thank you.... because something is changing in me... and I'm glad your along for the ride.

Much Love,
Kayla

I've been...

So... obviously I haven't been blogging for awhile.... But, I have been....

Learning how to cloth diaper....

Cleaning like a madwoman....

Camping in the rain....

Making hotdish and other fun recipes... thank you Shelly!

basking in the lovely fallish weather...

doing laundry, changing diapers, making lunches, watching Dora and Baby Einstein, having a wonderful time with my husband, attempting to change-up my wardrobe, discovering my love of our new GPS, visiting friends who live on a lovely little farm, having a love affair with McCafe Iced Coffees, helping head up a young adults service at our church, cutting my hair, going out with girlfriends, reading up on the new health care proposal, attempting to return phone calls, organizing photographs, pulling weeds, and enjoying the last bit of summer. So, incase anyone is wondering... that's where I've been. And may continue to be for awhile... we'll see.

Love,
Kayla

wooed

I have this place I go.... not often enough these days... a place where I can clear my head..my heart.. a place where I can hear without interruption.. without the noise of life. I love this place because it is not only beautiful but because I have spent many seasons of my life there... praying.crying.falling apart.realizing how to get up again.dreaming.grieving over lost dreams... And today, for many reasons, Margy and I were remembering the seasons of our lives. The good ones, bad ones, confusing ones... all of the things that have made up who we are and the lives we've lived.

The death of my brother. Her marriage. My marriage. The death of her husband. The births of her children. The children in both our lives whom we both love so much. The defining moment in our life when we knew there had to be more than what we knew... what we'd been living in that moment. The days we fell madly in love with Jesus and never looked back. The women we used to be and the ones we've become. Her foster daughters and their children. The children I've worked with in the system. Oh, all of the children..... who'd etched their way into our lives. The places we've lived, and how much we've lived.

Some people live their life like classical music. We agreed that although we think classical music is both lovely and soothing, our lives are neither. Our lives are more like Rock n Roll. Crazy, unpredictable, wonderful, moving, groove to your own beat type of rock and roll. The kind of Rock and Roll that both makes you want to dance and cry... sometimes all at once. The kind that makes you feel wild and alive and free.

The moment Margy realized that there had to be more to life.... that she ached for it with everything that she was.... she was standing outside a bar... 19 and pregnant with her second baby. The moment I realized... I was sitting at a bonfire smoking a cigarette feeling the emptiness that was my life, surround me... and feeling so alone. And each of us are similar in the way that we have always felt pursued by God.... wooed by Him. We both felt the ache to know him deep within us. We both knew the loneliness... the hurt... the emptiness of not knowing Him. And ever since the day we handed our lives over.... Her at 19 and me at 16.... we've never looked back. Both of us, since that time, have felt called, pursued, and completely madly in love with our Jesus. And although we are twenty-some years apart in age... our lives feel so meshed together. Because we share the same love of our Jesus.... and the same crazy passion to live our lives to the fullest. We are both married to men who are the solid rocks in our lives... and whom have shown us the meaning of what it is to be faithful. Neither of us understand how you could find God's word boring, or prayer impersonal... Yes, we've wavered. Yes, we've felt far away and even fallen in our walks.... many times. Yes we are imperfect and human and don't go around hearing audibly from God all day long. But boring? Never. Impersonal? Never. Because this Jesus, this Grace, this Love, this Redemption... that so sweetly worked it's way into our lives has changed us, and we have never been the same.

And even when we've been unfaithful to Him... even when we've walked... even when we've sinned and fallen and missed his voice... even when the consequences have been painful and the hurt deep... we have always known one thing. God is committed even when we're not. God keeps covenant even when we don't. Somehow, he keeps wooing his people into this beautiful love... this incredible way of living that at times, leaves me breathless and so filled I feel like I'm spilling over.

As Margy and I spoke of all of our memories today... we asked a question that has plagued us both.. Why do some of us feel as if we've been wooed by God throughout the course of our lives and others struggle to feel as if they've ever heard Him? Why do we find it so easy to fall madly in love with Him while many struggle because they so badly want to know His love? Why is that? We know it isn't that we're special... that is certainly not the case. We most assuredly know we aren't holier or more repentant than most... nor are we more submissive or less rebellious. In fact I think both of us are a little more stubborn, more rebellious, and have lived past lives that were anything but holy and repentant. So, why us? Why on earth would someone like Him passionately pursue women like us... when there are so many who were saved at bible school when they were three and have been faithful their whole life but still struggle to feel as if they truly know Jesus.... struggle with whether or not they've heard His voice? I think the heart of our question was this...

Jesus why would you give women like us such beautiful, redeeming, passionate lives? Why would you bless us with such abundant love and faithful families? Why would you give us the incredible honor of raising up these children to be lovers of you?

The answer... I don't really know. I'll probably never know. All I know is he uses people... people like me... people like Margy... not because we're special... not because we're loving or patient or kind... but because we're His. And God is committed to His children.

That place I go... It's my place with Him... it's where we work through things... it's where I can safely tell Him my heart and hear His... It's the place of longing and love that He wooed me to at the tender age of sixteen... and the place He has never ceased to call me back to.

Jesus never stop wooing... never stop calling... never cease knocking at the doors of our hearts and opening our eyes. Oh that we could only love you how you have loved us.... Thank you for the seasons you've allowed us to walk through.. for they have shown us who you are.

waiting for words

I haven't been on here in awhile. There are many reasons for that... the main one being... I simply find myself unable to come up with the words for all that we're standing in the midst of...

So as much as I'd love to write about it... I'll wait until the words come.

Thanks for those of you still hanging in there.

Much Love,
Kayla

"And they lived."

A little over a year ago Micaiah and I took a trip to Watertown, South Dakota so that I could meet his grandparents... Watertown has become one of my favorite places for many reasons... mostly because of the memories it holds. It was on that trip that Micaiah and I decided we wanted to get married and spend the rest of our lives having adventures together. It was that weekend that I decided in my heart that I wanted to grow old with this man... I still remember the day we left perfectly. I had my little fancy coffee drink, he drove his cute little sports car. It was just the two of us... and it was wonderful. We spent that week riding horses through beautiful wide open fields, playing with baby cows, hanging out at the lake and just being together.

A month ago, we went back. This time it was to have a wedding reception... as most of his relatives missed our wedding because of a huge snowstorm. It's only been a year but this time we drove my minivan... with four carseats and smashed fishy crackers in the back (romantic I know...). And as we drove, I reveled in how much had changed in so little time. We went from two people in college with practically no worries and a little sports car-- to married in a minivan with a life that was full to the brim. We turned into two people with a house and a minivan and carseats and bills and jobs and children overflowing! Our home was cute and clean when we first got married... Now it's child and puppy proof. I drove a sporty little jeep and he drove a hot little two door sports car. Now I drive a minivan filled with carseats, sippy cups, and mashed food and we sold his sports car to get something we could fit more people in. He shared a dorm room with his best buddy and had a small circle of close friends and a fairly quiet life.... Now we have these crazy overflowing lives with new and wonderful people coming in nearly every week.

And you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world.

As I looked at the man I married driving that minivan my heart melted. This man has given everything for me.. his whole life... his whole way of life for that matter! And he has graciously extended his hand to every child I bring into it... every person I befriend. He has given up much of his guy stuff, his nice car, his peace and quiet, his ability to be completely care free..... and he has done it for one reason....me. His idea of heaven is me and the dog in a little cabin in the woods. He got me and a bunch of crazyness... (although I did have to cave on the dog). Micaiah has stood beside me through every tough choice, every child that has melted my heart, and he has given up much for me to watch my dreams come true.

When we decided to get married... I'll admit... we were a little naive. We both, in our own minds, thought we'd have this little fairytale.... and just live happily ever after. Because, I mean... isn't that the way it's "supposed to be." I mean there are plaques people hang in their homes with this saying on it... people get divorces because they are not living happily ever after... it's in every fairytale ever written... and almost every romance movie ever made. So, I don't think we were crazy for thinking that's exactly what it would be... A fairytale.

Well... let me welcome you to our unfairytale life.

I say that with no cynicism whatsoever. Can I be real here... as it is my blog?? We didn't ride off into the sunset to go live in our beautiful castle... we drove our minivan to my parents house where we live underneath them... because we decided me being with these kids was more important than me getting a "good" job so we could get a house. And no, not every day is happily ever after. Some days are hard days and some days are really good days... Some days we are sick and tired and cranky and some days we are crazy and full of laughter. We don't live with everything cozy and neat in our lives. Rather, we live in the midst of the messiness of life.... but you know what? We live. My do we live.

Because I'm crazy about that man and he is crazy about me. Because we never stop striving to help make each others dreams come true... even if it means sacrificing some of our own desires. Because sometimes "a hot date" for us... Is sitting on the couch watching The Office and eating eggrolls. Because even though we're married.. we will never stop dancing together to cheesy romance music. We live when we get up in the wee hours of morning together to take care of a two year old or scrub puppy poop out of the carpet. We live when we giggle in bed late at night not because of anything funny but out of pure exhaustion. We live because we allow each other to be both ridiculous and serious. We live when we're sitting in front of the campfire and say nothing for almost an hour... because nothing really needs to be said. We live.. because no matter how much we hurt each other or what we might have disagreed about that day.... we always kiss each other goodnight. We may not have the storybook fairytale... but the way my husband looks at me makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. We may not always be "happy" but we will hold each other's hand and weather the storm... together. There may not be a white horse and a princess gown.... but there is eggrolls and The Office... which comes pretty darn close.

Life.. is precious and unpredictable.. it is fragile.. and I don't ever want to take it for granted. I, for the record... love my minivan because it's a symbol of what is most important to me... I love that we live beneath my sweet parents because they have spent their life blessing me and I want to the spend the rest of mine returning the favor. I love that we traded getting things so that we could have a life full of people. And for the record... sometimes I even like the messiness of it all. I love knowing that whether something takes my breath away or shatters my heart, I'll be standing beside the same man I decided to marry when life was a little more simple. I love that my Jesus is the same now as he was then.

I wore my wedding dress to our reception in Watertown and broke it in two places, Micaiah and I and some good friends of ours toilet papered his cousins' house in the middle of the night as payback for what they did to our hotel room :-) We drove home in the minivan head bobbing in the wee hours of the night... trying to keep each other up. We rode horses at his grandparent's with our very best friends... We went to visit his grandmother who asked to touch my face so she could know what I looked like. We hugged people we hadn't seen in forever, we laughed, we played, we walked the beach at the lake... and we remembered what it means to pour out your life for the one you love.

"And they lived."

Much love,

Kayla