There is a one year old tugging on my jeans... and I'm drinking chocolate coffee thats been warmed up three times. The girls are playing under the table dressed in hats and mittens.... (it's like 80 degrees outside) and 6 month old Mady is torturing the puppy.... The kitchen is a mess and my paperwork is lost... I'm half watching a video for the Bloom Book Club and half making peace between toddlers..and I have the biggest smile on my face... and the deepest gladness in my heart.
I love the body of Christ. I love the messiness of ministry. I love imperfection and how it gives us this chance to see God's grace in a way we never would without it. I love that daily each of us has the chance to become the hands of Jesus.... here. now. in this place. I love that God allows chocolate coffee to warm my heart and two girls dressed in mittens to make me laugh. I love that Angie Smith designed a book club I can do online so I can feel like a part of something... a community even though it's just me and the kids in this big big house most of the time. I love that the people in this house work with each other in such a way that it honors me to be a part of it.
I even like that we have really bad days... days where we want to quit and throw in the towel. I like it because it makes us realize how incredibly human we are and how very much we need Jesus in the every day things... like finding the lost paperwork. having patience with the three crying babies and the tantruming toddler. making lunch for twelve. and cleaning up the same mess five times over. I like it because we are reminded daily to keep Him in every little bit of our lives. We are stretched and get to see the ugly parts of ourselves come out when we snap... and then we get to humbly ask for forgiveness. I like it because it's good for me. It forces me to get over myself and my issues. And that, is a very good thing.
There have been some beautiful changes here the last month or two. There is a new mother here who needed refuge and healing... She and her 18 month old daughter add to the beauty here in ways I cannot describe... and watching this woman begin to heal and laugh again is daily reminding me of the ridiculousness of grace.... There is a young college student here who has blessed this ministry in ways I cannot describe. She brings laughter to my soul and is such an encouragement and complete joy. There is a precious new little one year old boy who now spends his days with us as well. As always, it is a house overflowing :) And my is it good.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
compelled...
To look into the eyes of a woman whose life has been shattered.... and see a longing to know Jesus unlike I've seen in a long time.
To hold a baby who lives in a dirty apartment with two pieces of furniture and a mommy who has no car, no money, and no hope.... and feel her body relax in your arms knowing she is safe...
To talk with a man who used to only see black and white and has learned how to see gray... to watch his redeemed, transformed life touch so many....
To look and see someone precious to me walk a terrible road, one that will scar her and hurt her beyond what she is able to know.... and be able to do nothing about it....
To loose a friend to the lies of this world and the enticement of riches and power and sin..... and have to watch it destroy her.
To watch a mother who has done nothing but sacrifice her entire life for those she's loved be told she has a disease that will ravage her body and leave her with yet more pain.... and wish I could take it away.... only to watch her walk the road with such dignity and grace it takes my breath away.
This is why I havn't been writing.... there are simply no words. There are no words to descirbe the great suffering of so many of those I love..... and there are no words for the redemption and hope I see transforming lives and healing hearts. Nothing I could write could convey some of the conversations I've had or tears that have been shed. I am watching Jesus move in a way that both humbles and astounds me in the lives of people all around me. And yet, I am watching many choose the darkness in which they live over the life He offers and it is breaking my heart.
I'm taking long walks lately not because of the beautiful fall weather but because there is so much welling up in my heart I just have to go be with Him to speak with Him about it. I'm driving around late at night because prayers leave my lips with such passion and convition I'm not sure it's me speaking..... there is this burden in my heart I can not explain for the lost, the hurting, the broken, those who live a life of shame and brokenness and darkness....
There is something coming up in me.... something I have to step into... encounter... be changed by... I know it because the situations all around me speak so loudly of it that I simply cannot ignore the feeling that something is shifting in my life. Maybe it's the way I pray... the way I love... the way I speak... the people He lays sweetly into the heartbeat of my life. I don't know... but something is moving in me and I simply cannot explain it. I am moved by situations and people in a way I never have been before.... I hold the kids differently than I've ever held them.... look at them with new eyes almost... as my love for them just grows deeper and deeper with each passing day that I care for them.
Life is messy right now. There are moments I feel like God is bringing out all of the ugly in me so that He can convict and change me so I might become a better lover of those around me. I'm being compelled to speak up in situations where normally I would remain silent. I'm compelled to risk being a fool on the chance that it might bring Him glory. I'm seeing my flaws in a way that forces me to be raw and honest about who I really am.
Something is shifting... and I haven't had the words.... so if you are still here... and still reading... thank you.... because something is changing in me... and I'm glad your along for the ride.
Much Love,
Kayla
To hold a baby who lives in a dirty apartment with two pieces of furniture and a mommy who has no car, no money, and no hope.... and feel her body relax in your arms knowing she is safe...
To talk with a man who used to only see black and white and has learned how to see gray... to watch his redeemed, transformed life touch so many....
To look and see someone precious to me walk a terrible road, one that will scar her and hurt her beyond what she is able to know.... and be able to do nothing about it....
To loose a friend to the lies of this world and the enticement of riches and power and sin..... and have to watch it destroy her.
To watch a mother who has done nothing but sacrifice her entire life for those she's loved be told she has a disease that will ravage her body and leave her with yet more pain.... and wish I could take it away.... only to watch her walk the road with such dignity and grace it takes my breath away.
This is why I havn't been writing.... there are simply no words. There are no words to descirbe the great suffering of so many of those I love..... and there are no words for the redemption and hope I see transforming lives and healing hearts. Nothing I could write could convey some of the conversations I've had or tears that have been shed. I am watching Jesus move in a way that both humbles and astounds me in the lives of people all around me. And yet, I am watching many choose the darkness in which they live over the life He offers and it is breaking my heart.
I'm taking long walks lately not because of the beautiful fall weather but because there is so much welling up in my heart I just have to go be with Him to speak with Him about it. I'm driving around late at night because prayers leave my lips with such passion and convition I'm not sure it's me speaking..... there is this burden in my heart I can not explain for the lost, the hurting, the broken, those who live a life of shame and brokenness and darkness....
There is something coming up in me.... something I have to step into... encounter... be changed by... I know it because the situations all around me speak so loudly of it that I simply cannot ignore the feeling that something is shifting in my life. Maybe it's the way I pray... the way I love... the way I speak... the people He lays sweetly into the heartbeat of my life. I don't know... but something is moving in me and I simply cannot explain it. I am moved by situations and people in a way I never have been before.... I hold the kids differently than I've ever held them.... look at them with new eyes almost... as my love for them just grows deeper and deeper with each passing day that I care for them.
Life is messy right now. There are moments I feel like God is bringing out all of the ugly in me so that He can convict and change me so I might become a better lover of those around me. I'm being compelled to speak up in situations where normally I would remain silent. I'm compelled to risk being a fool on the chance that it might bring Him glory. I'm seeing my flaws in a way that forces me to be raw and honest about who I really am.
Something is shifting... and I haven't had the words.... so if you are still here... and still reading... thank you.... because something is changing in me... and I'm glad your along for the ride.
Much Love,
Kayla
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