Held Up.

There's a question people keep asking me... and I keep lying.

They keep asking if I'm ready... which, I suppose, is a pretty common question when you're nine months pregnant. I keep smiling and telling them I am.

I'm not though... not at all.

How do you get ready for this? How can you ever really be ready for something you know will change the entire course of your life? How do you prepare yourself to hold in your arms the child you've carried... to finally see her face?

As I sit here I can't help but let the last nine months run through my mind.

I'm six weeks pregnant and already there are complications... and I'm sobbing... asking my Jesus to please let there be a heartbeat. Telling Him how badly I want to keep her... but how I'll love Him either way.

I'm sixteen weeks... and I wake up to blood... there was so much blood... I scream for Micaiah... and on one of the coldest nights of the year we drive to the emergency room while he prays... because I have no words.

I'm lying on bedrest... and the songs in the night... they come. And I lye awake and I pray... I dream about her... I fear she won't make it... every ultrasound I hold my breath. And you... all of you... you surround us. You show us what it is to be part of the body of Christ... what it is to be held when you feel most fragile.

I feel her move for the first time... there are no words.

I make it to twenty-three weeks and they tell me my daughter is "viable". And we rejoice because the hematoma that threatened her life is almost completely gone.

I'm 33 weeks and go in for a routine ultrasound check "Your baby... she's much too small. We need to monitor you very closely." Again we pray. Again we hope. Again we wonder if our sweet girl is okay.

Wednesday... Dr. Goerish calls and tell me her lungs are not only not ready... but her levels are low... very low... especially for a baby this small whose mother has been given steroids.

Thursday... Micaiah and I lye awake in bed on the night that was supposed to be Jayda's birthday... he can't sleep.... "I just want her here... I just want to bring her home... with us."

Friday... We have an ultrasound and learn that Jayda has barely gained any weight in the last week and a half. She is still not even four and a half pounds. We drive to the cities in silence... we've been here before... the place of much being unknown. But in that moment... it's just too much. There's little left to say. We're scared. No one can tell us for sure what is wrong with our baby. No one can tell us if we will be able to take her home or not... whether she'll be okay or not. No one can tell us what to expect or plan for... because no one... not even the Dr.'s.... really know.

Today... I finally break. It feels like we've been walking this road for so long... we've been standing in this place for months... the place where the lights go out and we stand in the dark and we wait. Wait to hold her. Wait to deliver her. Wait to see whether or not she is okay. Wait to see her beautiful face...

Theres this song I couldn't stop singing this morning... because I knew if I stopped I'd just cry... so I just kept singing the words over and over and over... Yes, we feel like we've been standing in the dark. Yes, we are weary and scared and there are days when we feel like we don't know how much longer we can do this. Yes, we lye awake at night and wonder about our daughter. But in the midst of that... in the mix of it... He still gives the songs in the night. We still feel held even when we're crumbling... we're still hearing Him even in the long hard silences when we don't have anymore words to give eachother. Not one step have we taken alone. And although we're scared... He's still the same.

I feel like Moses right now... when he was on the mountaintop and had to keep his arms raised. And when he couldn't do it anymore... the other two they stepped in... and they held his arms...

I feel like that's been all of you. We we haven't had the words to know how to pray... you've covered us. When we didn't have the strength to do one more day.... it's been your letters... your phone calls... your constant encouragement that kept us standing. You've held us up...

Many of you I don't know... I've never even met you... and yet you've surrounded us.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is this... No, I'm not ready... You don't get ready to behold a miracle... you don't ever really get ready for your whole life to change in a moment. You are never fully ready for what's meaningful. You don't get ready to be fully and completley undone.

But if there is one thing we've learned in this entire process... is that it isn't really about being ready... It's about the songs in the night... the holding... the knowing that He knows every ache of our hearts and every tear we've shed... and that each of them matter more than we will ever know.

And as much as I'm scared... as much as I feel so unready... I'm just going to keep singing my song... because when everything feels so uncertain...

This is what's certain for me...

"My Help Comes From the Lord"- The Museum

When sorrows come and hope seems gone...
Your the Rock I rest upon...
When waters rise and I can't breathe...
Your the Love that rescues me...

Out of the darkness I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills... I feel my faith rise...

Maker of Heaven, Giver of Life,
You are my strength... my song in the night.
My Refuge... My shelter.... now and forevermore...

My help comes from the Lord.


This is the last post I'll write before we meet our sweet girl. And I just want to say thank you... for holding our arms up... for listening to us as we share our hearts and our fears. For loving us in the midst of our uncertainty. For covering us and our sweet daughter.

On Tuesday when we bring this sweet girl into the world... would you please hold us up one more time? We love you more than you know. Thank you for being part of our story... part of Jayda's story.

Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to us.

Much Much Love,
Kayla

The bigger picture.

In the event that your life is as chaotic and unexpected as mine right now...

Take heart...

It's temporary. It's a snapshot. Not the big picture.

In the event that you too have had thousands of dollars worth of unexpected bills because your appliances keep breaking and lightening decides to strike... In the event that you too have walked a long road of a high risk pregnancy... In the event that you too are exhausted, overwhelmed, and going a little crazy... take heart.

In the end... this isn't what you'll remember.

Like me... when it's all said and done... you'll remember the good stuff.

Like the way my husband made me laugh yesterday as we threw away all of the food in our fridge because it went rotten when the fridge died. Like feeling Jayda do the cha-cha in my belly in the late hours of night... Like cuddling the dog that drives me nuts... Like the people who call and make your life just a little sweeter... Like the way my husband looks at me when he gets a new idea... Like standing up to someone who thought they could continue to push you around... Like forgiving that person even when they didn't ask for your forgiveness. Like doing the right thing even when it's the really hard thing. Like the fact that all things really do work together for good for those who love Him.

Because they do. Even on the really bad days... Even on the days when everything feels like it's going wrong.

Because at the end of the day...

bills, broken appliances, rotting food, and plans turning out all wrong... are a snapshot.

The grace... the love... the small victories... the baby kicking in your belly... stealing kisses with your husband... the praising Him even when life doesn't look how you want it to... that's the bigger picture.

Much Love,
Kayla

Plans...

As seems to be the theme of our lives.... our plans to have Jayda be born this week aren't looking so good.

Okay... well, they are a no-go completely.

The results from the amnio are in and despite the steroids, her lungs are not mature. So, although there are risks to continuing my pregnancy... the risks regaurding her lungs not being developed are even higher.

My Dr. was dissapointed... I wanted to break down and cry. The last week of waiting has been hard... really hard. When you are supposed to pay attention to every movement and feeling and need to be monitored so closely... it's just a constant reminder that things aren't quite as they should be. So, I'll be going in to be monitored on Friday and next Tuesday. They don't have a date for the C-section yet as things are fairly booked next week so she is getting back to me later today.

I'm still on modified bedrest... but right now Jayda is lying on my sciatic nerve so I have a pretty hard time moving around anyway.

Although we are extremely bummed... of course we want our sweet girl's lungs to be developed... so again we wait. :)

I'll post when I know more.

Much Love,
Kayla

Small and Mighty :)

Just a quick update...

My amnio went great this morning! They monitored Jayda for a half hour afterwards and she is still doing just fine... small but mighty this one :)

Of course I'm anxiously awaiting the call tomorrow that will let us know if her lungs are developed enough. I told her I'd really appreciate if she could be ready this week as her daddy starts inventory next week and it would not be a good week for him to have to find someone to work the 4am-1pm shift at work. I also told her I'd appreciate it if she could be over five pounds.

I haven't been able to put on any weight the last couple of weeks... this week I even lost a pound or two because of the fact that our air conditioning is broken (well okay... completely shot as we just found out today) and that makes me very hot and very NOT in the mood to eat. That and our fridge went out as well so we have no cold food.

I'm not making this up.

No air conditioning... no fridge... and the hottest May I can possibly remember. I was joking today that I'm looking forward to staying in the hospital... at least they have air conditioning :) And cold food :)

For a minute I really did want to cry about all of this... the fridge and the air conditioning and the fact that it's like a sauna in my house and I'm swollen up like a balloon... and sweating like a pig... and the fact that no, we do not have $4,000 to fix these issues... But, I'm trying to keep it all in perspective.

If all goes well on the amnio I'm meeting my daughter in just two days. Months ago they told me she may not even make it to 23 weeks.... today I am 36. So the fridge and the air conditioning and all the little things... seem exactly that... little. Extremely little compared to the very big miracle that is our daughter.

Small and mighty precious girl.... oh how I can't wait to get you in my arms and kiss your sweet face!

In the nice air conditioned hospital room ;)

Much love to you all! I'll be updating from the hospital as I can. Watch the sidebar of the blog for tweets :) I'll try to use that for quick updates as I don't know how much internet acess we'll have in the hospital.

Hopefully next time I write you'll all be able to see her sweet face.

Much Love,
Kayla

A few more details and growth update!

Jayda only got a 6 out of 8 on her Ultrasound today which isn't bad but they wanted me to come in for some further monitoring. I went into the hospital and they put me on the monitor for awhile. Jayda did just fine :) Oh! And she has grown a little bit too! Miss Jayda was weighing in at 4.4 pounds today. The ultrasound tech took several measurements and averaged them so hopefully this is accurate. We are praying she'll be close to 5 Ibs by delivery.

I forgot to mention last night that when Dr. Goerish checked me I was thinned out and dialated to a 3. Looks like Miss Jayda was planning an early entry anyways...

Let's just hope our sweet girl stays in there until next Thursday.

My C-section is scheduled for then! So... if all goes according to plan... we will be meeting her on May 27th!

Wow.

People keep asking me how I'm doing.

And because I know what prayer warriors you all are... I'm going to be honest. Concerning Jayda I am doing just fine. I feel at peace about them taking her out early. My Dr. is incredible and has been throughout this entire pregnancy and truly truly cares about what is best for me and Jayda. She has been nothing but sympathetic and wonderful through ALL of this. I'm okay with the fact we may have to be in the hospital for a little while. I'm really okay with all of it. I'm ready for her to be here. I'm ready to meet my sweet fiesty little daughter.

However, there is a situation... totally unpregnancy related that I don't want to go into great detail over. But it's causing me a great deal of stress which is making it really hard to get any kind of rest and stay calm. There is really no way to know if thats why my blood pressure was elevated but I wouldn't be surprised. So without going into specifics... will you all just please pray that I don't allow it to get to me and steal my peace? Will you all just pray that God will move what looks like a very big mountain?

I know you all will... which is why I ask.

Thank you for covering me, Micaiah, and our Jayda!
We'll all be meeting her soon.

Kayla

More of the Unexpected...

I had my 35 week appointment today... I am actually 1 day away from being 35 weeks. My blood pressure is elevated (but not to the point of any major concern). Also, I am now only measuring 32 weeks. We are thinking her other measurements were off because of Jayda being breech and having her head shoved way up in my ribs :)

Dr. Goerish does not feel comfortable with me trying to deliver naturally at this point (neither do I) as Jayda is already stressed, breech, etc. And we both agreed a C-section is most definitly the safest way. That said, she no longer wants to wait until 37 weeks. Although Jayda's ultrasounds look fine now... she said that with placenta issues things can happen very quickly and at any time and the safest possible thing to do is get her out. Assuming of course that her lungs are developed. Because smaller babies are more distressed and have to work harder anyway... and because I had steroid shots... we are doing the amniocentesis next Tuesday (at exactly 36weeks) and if it comes back showing her lungs are developed enough.... miss Jayda will be greeting us on Thursday or Friday of next week.

Yes... I said next week.

I know... I'm freaking out just a little too.

But I feel really good about it. This has been a long pregnancy with many MANY complications and we are all thinking our sweet girl will simply fare better outside of me at this point.

Because she will be a preemie... and very small (even for a preemie) we need to expect that she will be in the hospital at least an extra week if not longer. There is a good chance I will not get to be with her right away and that she'll need to be in the nursery. We will most likely have to do syringe feedings etc. The good news is that as long as there is room at the hospital... I will be able to stay with her for as long as she is hospitalized... and as long as there are no severe complications we will get to stay in Mankato.

So... here is the gameplan.

Pray! Very hard and very often... for Jayda's lungs to develop, for her to grow, for the C-section to go well, for the hospital stay to be short, for peace, and for extra room at the hospital so I can stay with my baby and for anything and everything else that may be laid on your heart.

I'm writing this in a rush as we have to get to our Newborn Care Class tonight. I'm sure there are details I'm forgetting but for now... this should be the jist of it. I will still have an ultrasound on Tuesday and Friday this week and if anything is off we will deliver immediatly. I am done with appointments with Dr. Goerish as I'll see her Tuesday for our amnio and then Thursday or Friday for the C-section (we do not know the day yet because scheduling was booked up so I'll post when I know).

Thank you... as always for your love and your prayers...

Kayla

Jayda Update

Hey everyone,
Just a quick update to say that miss Jayda did just fine on her ultrasound this morning. She is doing excellent at breathing which is really encouraging! She is however, sitting on a nerve in my back which is making it really difficult and quite painful to move around! So hopefully she scoots her little self off of it sometime in the very near future. ;)

I have another ultrasound on Friday and then my 35 week appointment on Monday with Dr. Goerish. We should be able to know a little bit more at that point about what she is thinking delivery wise.

Thanks for the continued prayers, love, and support!

Kayla

Beautiful Girl

As promised... here's our sweet girl :)

A perfect score!

The ultrasound went well this morning. They measured Jayda's practice breathing movements as well as her other movements and her heart rate. She scored 8 out of 8! Our sweet girl may be tiny but she is fiesty!

The tentative "plan" if Jayda continues to do well on her ultrasounds is to measure her growth again at 36weeks (because they can only make an estimate within a half pound this is the best way to know how she is actually growing). At 37 weeks I'll have the amnio and if her lungs are ready Miss Jayda should make her grand entrance the first week in June.

From the looks of everything I will have a C-section. This is not definite but because of my septated uterus, Jayda's breech position, and the fact that she is very small... right now this feels like the safest way to go. Although if Jayda starts to grow and turns herself head down... we may still try for a vaginal birth.

We got an adorable picture of our sweet girls face today (hopefully I'll get that up by early next week). We both think she looks like her auntie Kelsey :)

We're breathing a little easier knowing that although Jayda is small, everything else appears to be doing well. I had my 2nd steroid shot yesterday to help develop her lungs... hopefully it's just a precaution and she'll make it to 37 weeks!

Right now I'm just trying to rest up, take it easy, and find some preemie clothes for our tiny girl :)

Thank you for all the prayers, love, and support.
Kayla

A few more details...

In my shock and exhaustion yesterday I realized I forgot to mention a few important details.

The reason they think Jayda isn't growing well is because they believe my plancenta was damaged because I had such a large blood clot for so long. I'm not sure exactly why it is showing up now vs. before (possibly because this is when babies are supposed to be growing the most). Her main concern is that Jayda's nutrition doesn't decrease. As the placenta is also her oxygen supply they also want to monitor her heart and breathing very closely. Her other main concern was that Jayda's lungs are not developed... which is why I'm getting the steroid shots. If I can make it to 37 weeks they will do an amniocentesis and if her lungs are developed at that point... the plan is to get her out.

But really, right now, our only sure plan is waiting to see how she does.

There is really no way of knowing how well my placenta is working right now... just that it's obviously still functioning well enough to give Jayda enough oxygen.

That's why we'll have ultrasounds twice a week... they will very closly monitor all of those things to make sure our sweet girl is still doing okay in there.

I will do my best to update every Tuesday and Friday (and maybe posts inbetween for the sake of my sanity as we all know resting is not my specialty :)

Thanks for all the prayers and love sent our way! We are blessed to know each of you.

Kayla, Micaiah, and Jayda

Jayda

I'm exhausted... and my head is spinning... and there are a million things I want to say.

But right now... I just want off. I want off this train that feels like it's going 200 hundred miles an hour. And I just want it to stop.

I had an ultrasound this morning and the results were alarming enough that my Dr. called me less than an hour later.

"Your daughter is not doing well. She is very small and is not getting what she needs. We will need to keep a very close eye on her from this point on. You need to come in for steroid shots immediatly to develop her lungs because there is a good chance we'll need to deliever her before they reach maturity. I want you to have ultrasounds twice a week and we will monitor her movements, breathing, and growth. If anything is off we will send you to the hospital and put you on monitors and deliver you if necessary. You need to be ready. My hope at this point is that we can get you to go another three of four weeks before taking her but if she doesn't grow it is safer for her to be born early than to stay inside of you."

Jayda is only three pounds.... very very small for a 33 weeker. All I could think about was how tiny that was...

She's too little to come yet... she isn't ready... I'm not ready.

I'm not ready to do this again... the ultrasounds and the waiting and the fear. I'm not ready for shots and monitors and a daugther that is much too small and not ready to breathe on her own.

Until the ultrasound we thought everything was fine. I was measuring a week ahead even... My blood pressure and weight were right on target. Everything looked wonderful until they took a look inside.

As we watched her suck her little fingers and kick her feet this morning I just marveled at my daughter. I wondered what color her hair would be and whose eyes she would have.... when we would get to meet her. Before they told me her weight I was even joking with the ultrasound tech that I was afraid she's be big because both Micaiah and I were 9 pounds.

I went back to Grace Refuge this afternoon and 5 little people laid their hands on my belly while Margy once again prayed for my baby. I'm telling you... you haven't experianced prayer until 3 year olds put their hands on you and pray for your baby to grow.

I came home with every intention to pack my bags and get things ready... instead I collapsed. I trust my Jesus. There was a time when we were simply prayed I'd be able to make it to twenty three weeks. There was a time when we never dreamed I'd be able to make it this far. And part of me feels like I should be grateful... But right now... this feels like too much to carry.... and I'm tired and I'm weary and I just want my daughter to be okay.

I have another shot of steroids tomorrow and an Ultrasound again on Friday. After that I will have ultrasounds every Tuesday and Friday as well as my appointments with Dr. Goerish. I'm not on stict bedrest but she wants me getting as much rest as possible and to take it easy. She said there is really no way of knowing when we will deliver her... and so again we walk it out day by day... waiting and praying.

unable to see what is ahead.

Again we covet your prayers... again we ask that you join us on your knees on behalf of our daughter.

Much Love,
Kayla