thump thump.

I drove to the road that I've driven so many times... the place I've gone for many of my most difficult conversations with Him.... and before I even got there... the tears were falling and my heart was aching.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

My heart is beating wildly and the tears are pouring... I'm sixteen and life is far too confusing. I'm watching my very best friend walk a road that will hurt her deeply... knowing there is nothing I can do. And I'm driving that road... because it's the place it all comes out for me... it's the place where it's impossible for me to hide anything from my Jesus.... it's the place where there are no lines, boundaries, boxes... it's just Him and my broken heart.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I'm nineteen and I'm driving that road.... weeping because I know He's asked me to walk away from someone I dearly love. I've just moved home and all of my plans for what I thought would be my life seem to be crumbling. I feel alone and scared and vulnerable. I ask Him if it's ever going to get easier... I ask Him to restore a broken situation. I ask Him what in the world I'm supposed to do with my life. I tell Him how deeply I love Him but how lonely it feels to walk this road.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I've just returned from Africa and I don't know where to go next.... My heart is having hard time adjusting to life... here. It was the hardest, most terrifying, heart-wrenching things I've ever done... and yet, I miss it. And I'm on that snowy road asking God how to bring the way I lived there... here.

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I'm working in the foster care system... and my heart is shattered. A little boy who was neglected and abused has just been sent home. Only my heart isn't just breaking for him... but for all of them... each shattered little life, each bruised soul. And it's forcing me to look deep within the walls of my heart. I'm beginning to see the gentle leading of the hand of my Jesus... ushering me into a place I know I'm not prepared to go. I'm beginning to understand the ache in my arms and the prayers in my heart for these children I barely know.....

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I'm crying... but this time it's tears of rejoicing. I'm driving that road like a giddy little girl. I've just met Micaiah... and I know deep within my heart that I'm going to marry this man. That day God and I smiled together. That day I saw the redemption of many things. That day... was the day I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God always keeps His promises.

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I've just moved into Grace Refuge and I'm falling in love... with the ministry.. with the kids.. with the outpouring and overflowing of life springing from this place. And I'm on that road asking God if this is it. My heart is drawn to this place in this way that is strong and deep and overwhelming... and I simply know I'm supposed to be here.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

It's just days before I'm supposed to get married... the snow is falling and so are my tears. There is nothing more frightening nor more beautiful than knowing you're about to give your entire heart to another. I love him, more deeply and with a differen't kind of love than I've ever loved anyone. He is everything I dont' know how to be and gives me this picture of another face of Jesus that I have simply fallen in love with. But God... will I know how to love him well? Will I add to his life? Will I be able to give him all he deserves?

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I'm twenty-one and it's the day of my wedding. I'm driving through snow drifts in Micaiah's tiny little car... my hair all curled and my heart racing.... And the peace floods in. Today I'm going to marry him and I have no reservations. I have no fears. I simply know. I love him, and I'm well aware my love alone will never be enough... and that day, on that road.. my Jesus reassures me that His love will always be what mine cannot.

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I't a few months ago and Margy and I are juggling diapers and lunch and crying and a house that we simply cannot keep up with. There were twelve of them today... twelve small little children... each here by His hand. And I'm driving that road so overwhelmed by it all... Feeling so completely inadequate to play such a role in molding the clay that is their lives. I'm asking God if there isn't someone more qualified... more patient... more loving... more kind than me to love these precious little children.

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I'm driving that very road with four small children in the back. We are singing songs and laughing... and as I come to the valley on that road that is my very favorite spot... Tears well in my eyes for all I've been given. These four little babes are praising the Jesus I've prayed they'd come to know. And their delight is the most beautiful worship I've ever witnessed. And my life has never felt so complete.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

It's a few days ago and I drove to the road I've driven so many times... the place I've gone for many of my most difficult conversations with Him... and before I even got there... the tears were falling and my heart was aching. This day was different. This situation, different. More painful, more raw, more desperate than any before this. Because this time, I was driving that road as a mother. A mother, who, for a week had been bleeding. I drove that road a scared mother who knew what this kind of bleeding could mean. And that day, my prayer was differen't than it has ever been. It was simple. "Please Jesus... please." There were a few more words but I just kept repeating the same thing.... "Please....." But it was on that day that I realized that this was all I would ever truly be able to do for the child within me. I realized that the most significant thing I could ever do for this baby was simply cry out His name. I didn't need any other words... He already knew. After all, he is the God whom.. on all of these drives and through all of these years has always known. So on that day I prayed that I might have the courage to love Him well and call out His name even if the news we heard that day in the exam room was the news we most feared....

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I layed on the table and looked at Micaiah as they placed the ultrasound over my womb.... My heart was racing... "please God... a heartbeat... please."
And then I saw it... a little flicker of light dancing across the screen.
And then we heard the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.

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Thank you. Jesus.... thank you.