The sacred mundane.

Today... I'm praying I might see the sacred amidst the chaos...

The glorious in the mundane...

Today I'm asking the Father to never allow me to take one minute for granted.

Because I want to see the flame in the bush...

I want to trust Him for the manna.

Oh to see His face in everyone I meet...

I want to stop and smell the roses... to spend hours on my knees not because of routine or obligation... but sheer desperation and love. To be someone who doesn't count the cost or the miles or the time. And I'm far from that... far. But my hope... my prayer... today is to be ushered into that place where more often than not I'm not so far from that.

Sometimes I get stuck thinking that the three loads of dishes aren't important... that the unending laundry isn't big enough... that the daily chaos of life is too much. But today, I remembered that doing the dishes can be holy. The laundry can be sacred. Holding these kids is worship. It's all in how much I give of me while I'm doing it. It's all in the gratitude or lack of it. It's all in my heart. My hope... my prayer... today is to be someone who sees these as big things... important things... things that remind me to always give thanks for the bounty we have and the lack we've never known. Oh that my heart would remain that pure.

Today I'm praying that I might see the sacred amidst the chaos...

thump thump.

I drove to the road that I've driven so many times... the place I've gone for many of my most difficult conversations with Him.... and before I even got there... the tears were falling and my heart was aching.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

My heart is beating wildly and the tears are pouring... I'm sixteen and life is far too confusing. I'm watching my very best friend walk a road that will hurt her deeply... knowing there is nothing I can do. And I'm driving that road... because it's the place it all comes out for me... it's the place where it's impossible for me to hide anything from my Jesus.... it's the place where there are no lines, boundaries, boxes... it's just Him and my broken heart.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I'm nineteen and I'm driving that road.... weeping because I know He's asked me to walk away from someone I dearly love. I've just moved home and all of my plans for what I thought would be my life seem to be crumbling. I feel alone and scared and vulnerable. I ask Him if it's ever going to get easier... I ask Him to restore a broken situation. I ask Him what in the world I'm supposed to do with my life. I tell Him how deeply I love Him but how lonely it feels to walk this road.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I've just returned from Africa and I don't know where to go next.... My heart is having hard time adjusting to life... here. It was the hardest, most terrifying, heart-wrenching things I've ever done... and yet, I miss it. And I'm on that snowy road asking God how to bring the way I lived there... here.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I'm working in the foster care system... and my heart is shattered. A little boy who was neglected and abused has just been sent home. Only my heart isn't just breaking for him... but for all of them... each shattered little life, each bruised soul. And it's forcing me to look deep within the walls of my heart. I'm beginning to see the gentle leading of the hand of my Jesus... ushering me into a place I know I'm not prepared to go. I'm beginning to understand the ache in my arms and the prayers in my heart for these children I barely know.....

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I'm crying... but this time it's tears of rejoicing. I'm driving that road like a giddy little girl. I've just met Micaiah... and I know deep within my heart that I'm going to marry this man. That day God and I smiled together. That day I saw the redemption of many things. That day... was the day I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God always keeps His promises.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I've just moved into Grace Refuge and I'm falling in love... with the ministry.. with the kids.. with the outpouring and overflowing of life springing from this place. And I'm on that road asking God if this is it. My heart is drawn to this place in this way that is strong and deep and overwhelming... and I simply know I'm supposed to be here.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

It's just days before I'm supposed to get married... the snow is falling and so are my tears. There is nothing more frightening nor more beautiful than knowing you're about to give your entire heart to another. I love him, more deeply and with a differen't kind of love than I've ever loved anyone. He is everything I dont' know how to be and gives me this picture of another face of Jesus that I have simply fallen in love with. But God... will I know how to love him well? Will I add to his life? Will I be able to give him all he deserves?

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I'm twenty-one and it's the day of my wedding. I'm driving through snow drifts in Micaiah's tiny little car... my hair all curled and my heart racing.... And the peace floods in. Today I'm going to marry him and I have no reservations. I have no fears. I simply know. I love him, and I'm well aware my love alone will never be enough... and that day, on that road.. my Jesus reassures me that His love will always be what mine cannot.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I't a few months ago and Margy and I are juggling diapers and lunch and crying and a house that we simply cannot keep up with. There were twelve of them today... twelve small little children... each here by His hand. And I'm driving that road so overwhelmed by it all... Feeling so completely inadequate to play such a role in molding the clay that is their lives. I'm asking God if there isn't someone more qualified... more patient... more loving... more kind than me to love these precious little children.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I'm driving that very road with four small children in the back. We are singing songs and laughing... and as I come to the valley on that road that is my very favorite spot... Tears well in my eyes for all I've been given. These four little babes are praising the Jesus I've prayed they'd come to know. And their delight is the most beautiful worship I've ever witnessed. And my life has never felt so complete.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

It's a few days ago and I drove to the road I've driven so many times... the place I've gone for many of my most difficult conversations with Him... and before I even got there... the tears were falling and my heart was aching. This day was different. This situation, different. More painful, more raw, more desperate than any before this. Because this time, I was driving that road as a mother. A mother, who, for a week had been bleeding. I drove that road a scared mother who knew what this kind of bleeding could mean. And that day, my prayer was differen't than it has ever been. It was simple. "Please Jesus... please." There were a few more words but I just kept repeating the same thing.... "Please....." But it was on that day that I realized that this was all I would ever truly be able to do for the child within me. I realized that the most significant thing I could ever do for this baby was simply cry out His name. I didn't need any other words... He already knew. After all, he is the God whom.. on all of these drives and through all of these years has always known. So on that day I prayed that I might have the courage to love Him well and call out His name even if the news we heard that day in the exam room was the news we most feared....

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

I layed on the table and looked at Micaiah as they placed the ultrasound over my womb.... My heart was racing... "please God... a heartbeat... please."
And then I saw it... a little flicker of light dancing across the screen.
And then we heard the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.

thump thump. thump thump. thump thump.

Thank you. Jesus.... thank you.

created life.

Look very closely.... there are two pink lines.

Amazing really, that two pink lines can change your life.

I crept back into bed after seeing those two life changing lines... and for a moment just reveled in how much I love my husband.. how lucky I am to be held by a man who protects and cares for me as though I am rare and precious. And then whispered into his ear "Want to know something?"

He nodded.

"We're going to have a baby."

And we smiled. God is fabulous at breathtaking moments. And I love that our life together seems to be full of them.

The rest of that morning is a memory I'd like to keep for myself. The sacred moments after we found out that our lives will never be the same. In the dark, quiet warmth of morning we embraced together an incredible gift. To know and be known by a God who took our love and out of it... created life.

More to come soon. Promise.

Much Love,

Kayla

What Life Looks Like these Days...

There is a one year old tugging on my jeans... and I'm drinking chocolate coffee thats been warmed up three times. The girls are playing under the table dressed in hats and mittens.... (it's like 80 degrees outside) and 6 month old Mady is torturing the puppy.... The kitchen is a mess and my paperwork is lost... I'm half watching a video for the Bloom Book Club and half making peace between toddlers..and I have the biggest smile on my face... and the deepest gladness in my heart.

I love the body of Christ. I love the messiness of ministry. I love imperfection and how it gives us this chance to see God's grace in a way we never would without it. I love that daily each of us has the chance to become the hands of Jesus.... here. now. in this place. I love that God allows chocolate coffee to warm my heart and two girls dressed in mittens to make me laugh. I love that Angie Smith designed a book club I can do online so I can feel like a part of something... a community even though it's just me and the kids in this big big house most of the time. I love that the people in this house work with each other in such a way that it honors me to be a part of it.

I even like that we have really bad days... days where we want to quit and throw in the towel. I like it because it makes us realize how incredibly human we are and how very much we need Jesus in the every day things... like finding the lost paperwork. having patience with the three crying babies and the tantruming toddler. making lunch for twelve. and cleaning up the same mess five times over. I like it because we are reminded daily to keep Him in every little bit of our lives. We are stretched and get to see the ugly parts of ourselves come out when we snap... and then we get to humbly ask for forgiveness. I like it because it's good for me. It forces me to get over myself and my issues. And that, is a very good thing.

There have been some beautiful changes here the last month or two. There is a new mother here who needed refuge and healing... She and her 18 month old daughter add to the beauty here in ways I cannot describe... and watching this woman begin to heal and laugh again is daily reminding me of the ridiculousness of grace.... There is a young college student here who has blessed this ministry in ways I cannot describe. She brings laughter to my soul and is such an encouragement and complete joy. There is a precious new little one year old boy who now spends his days with us as well. As always, it is a house overflowing :) And my is it good.

compelled...

To look into the eyes of a woman whose life has been shattered.... and see a longing to know Jesus unlike I've seen in a long time.

To hold a baby who lives in a dirty apartment with two pieces of furniture and a mommy who has no car, no money, and no hope.... and feel her body relax in your arms knowing she is safe...

To talk with a man who used to only see black and white and has learned how to see gray... to watch his redeemed, transformed life touch so many....

To look and see someone precious to me walk a terrible road, one that will scar her and hurt her beyond what she is able to know.... and be able to do nothing about it....

To loose a friend to the lies of this world and the enticement of riches and power and sin..... and have to watch it destroy her.

To watch a mother who has done nothing but sacrifice her entire life for those she's loved be told she has a disease that will ravage her body and leave her with yet more pain.... and wish I could take it away.... only to watch her walk the road with such dignity and grace it takes my breath away.

This is why I havn't been writing.... there are simply no words. There are no words to descirbe the great suffering of so many of those I love..... and there are no words for the redemption and hope I see transforming lives and healing hearts. Nothing I could write could convey some of the conversations I've had or tears that have been shed. I am watching Jesus move in a way that both humbles and astounds me in the lives of people all around me. And yet, I am watching many choose the darkness in which they live over the life He offers and it is breaking my heart.

I'm taking long walks lately not because of the beautiful fall weather but because there is so much welling up in my heart I just have to go be with Him to speak with Him about it. I'm driving around late at night because prayers leave my lips with such passion and convition I'm not sure it's me speaking..... there is this burden in my heart I can not explain for the lost, the hurting, the broken, those who live a life of shame and brokenness and darkness....

There is something coming up in me.... something I have to step into... encounter... be changed by... I know it because the situations all around me speak so loudly of it that I simply cannot ignore the feeling that something is shifting in my life. Maybe it's the way I pray... the way I love... the way I speak... the people He lays sweetly into the heartbeat of my life. I don't know... but something is moving in me and I simply cannot explain it. I am moved by situations and people in a way I never have been before.... I hold the kids differently than I've ever held them.... look at them with new eyes almost... as my love for them just grows deeper and deeper with each passing day that I care for them.

Life is messy right now. There are moments I feel like God is bringing out all of the ugly in me so that He can convict and change me so I might become a better lover of those around me. I'm being compelled to speak up in situations where normally I would remain silent. I'm compelled to risk being a fool on the chance that it might bring Him glory. I'm seeing my flaws in a way that forces me to be raw and honest about who I really am.

Something is shifting... and I haven't had the words.... so if you are still here... and still reading... thank you.... because something is changing in me... and I'm glad your along for the ride.

Much Love,
Kayla

I've been...

So... obviously I haven't been blogging for awhile.... But, I have been....

Learning how to cloth diaper....

Cleaning like a madwoman....

Camping in the rain....

Making hotdish and other fun recipes... thank you Shelly!

basking in the lovely fallish weather...

doing laundry, changing diapers, making lunches, watching Dora and Baby Einstein, having a wonderful time with my husband, attempting to change-up my wardrobe, discovering my love of our new GPS, visiting friends who live on a lovely little farm, having a love affair with McCafe Iced Coffees, helping head up a young adults service at our church, cutting my hair, going out with girlfriends, reading up on the new health care proposal, attempting to return phone calls, organizing photographs, pulling weeds, and enjoying the last bit of summer. So, incase anyone is wondering... that's where I've been. And may continue to be for awhile... we'll see.

Love,
Kayla

wooed

I have this place I go.... not often enough these days... a place where I can clear my head..my heart.. a place where I can hear without interruption.. without the noise of life. I love this place because it is not only beautiful but because I have spent many seasons of my life there... praying.crying.falling apart.realizing how to get up again.dreaming.grieving over lost dreams... And today, for many reasons, Margy and I were remembering the seasons of our lives. The good ones, bad ones, confusing ones... all of the things that have made up who we are and the lives we've lived.

The death of my brother. Her marriage. My marriage. The death of her husband. The births of her children. The children in both our lives whom we both love so much. The defining moment in our life when we knew there had to be more than what we knew... what we'd been living in that moment. The days we fell madly in love with Jesus and never looked back. The women we used to be and the ones we've become. Her foster daughters and their children. The children I've worked with in the system. Oh, all of the children..... who'd etched their way into our lives. The places we've lived, and how much we've lived.

Some people live their life like classical music. We agreed that although we think classical music is both lovely and soothing, our lives are neither. Our lives are more like Rock n Roll. Crazy, unpredictable, wonderful, moving, groove to your own beat type of rock and roll. The kind of Rock and Roll that both makes you want to dance and cry... sometimes all at once. The kind that makes you feel wild and alive and free.

The moment Margy realized that there had to be more to life.... that she ached for it with everything that she was.... she was standing outside a bar... 19 and pregnant with her second baby. The moment I realized... I was sitting at a bonfire smoking a cigarette feeling the emptiness that was my life, surround me... and feeling so alone. And each of us are similar in the way that we have always felt pursued by God.... wooed by Him. We both felt the ache to know him deep within us. We both knew the loneliness... the hurt... the emptiness of not knowing Him. And ever since the day we handed our lives over.... Her at 19 and me at 16.... we've never looked back. Both of us, since that time, have felt called, pursued, and completely madly in love with our Jesus. And although we are twenty-some years apart in age... our lives feel so meshed together. Because we share the same love of our Jesus.... and the same crazy passion to live our lives to the fullest. We are both married to men who are the solid rocks in our lives... and whom have shown us the meaning of what it is to be faithful. Neither of us understand how you could find God's word boring, or prayer impersonal... Yes, we've wavered. Yes, we've felt far away and even fallen in our walks.... many times. Yes we are imperfect and human and don't go around hearing audibly from God all day long. But boring? Never. Impersonal? Never. Because this Jesus, this Grace, this Love, this Redemption... that so sweetly worked it's way into our lives has changed us, and we have never been the same.

And even when we've been unfaithful to Him... even when we've walked... even when we've sinned and fallen and missed his voice... even when the consequences have been painful and the hurt deep... we have always known one thing. God is committed even when we're not. God keeps covenant even when we don't. Somehow, he keeps wooing his people into this beautiful love... this incredible way of living that at times, leaves me breathless and so filled I feel like I'm spilling over.

As Margy and I spoke of all of our memories today... we asked a question that has plagued us both.. Why do some of us feel as if we've been wooed by God throughout the course of our lives and others struggle to feel as if they've ever heard Him? Why do we find it so easy to fall madly in love with Him while many struggle because they so badly want to know His love? Why is that? We know it isn't that we're special... that is certainly not the case. We most assuredly know we aren't holier or more repentant than most... nor are we more submissive or less rebellious. In fact I think both of us are a little more stubborn, more rebellious, and have lived past lives that were anything but holy and repentant. So, why us? Why on earth would someone like Him passionately pursue women like us... when there are so many who were saved at bible school when they were three and have been faithful their whole life but still struggle to feel as if they truly know Jesus.... struggle with whether or not they've heard His voice? I think the heart of our question was this...

Jesus why would you give women like us such beautiful, redeeming, passionate lives? Why would you bless us with such abundant love and faithful families? Why would you give us the incredible honor of raising up these children to be lovers of you?

The answer... I don't really know. I'll probably never know. All I know is he uses people... people like me... people like Margy... not because we're special... not because we're loving or patient or kind... but because we're His. And God is committed to His children.

That place I go... It's my place with Him... it's where we work through things... it's where I can safely tell Him my heart and hear His... It's the place of longing and love that He wooed me to at the tender age of sixteen... and the place He has never ceased to call me back to.

Jesus never stop wooing... never stop calling... never cease knocking at the doors of our hearts and opening our eyes. Oh that we could only love you how you have loved us.... Thank you for the seasons you've allowed us to walk through.. for they have shown us who you are.