Nearly a month ago we sat in the emergency room and alternated between prayer and mild panic, between "the Peace of God that passes all understanding" and nausea.
In the days and weeks that followed that night those we know well... and those we barely know have fallen to their knees and whispered prayers from the depths of their hearts... for us. People have gathered in groups, come together, and they have surrounded and held us. We have received visits and letters and emails from sweet souls who have asked God to heal and mend and be glorified in all of this.
And Yesterday, we were told again that the hematoma has continued to shrink and is now fairly small compared to the pregnancy. And I was officially taken off of bed rest... something we were told was incredibly unlikely for my pregnancy. He is healing... He is mending... and our sincere hope is that He has been made known and glorified in every moment of this.
Today as I marveled in my new freedom of folding laundry, sorting piles of pink baby clothes, and pacing the floor offering whispered thanks... I realized something.
I'm going to miss this.
No, not the bed rest... not the mild panic and sick feeling that came when I worried about my daughter. I'm going to miss being sweetly held by so many. In the last month we have shared our hearts and our fears more rawly than perhaps ever before. We have allowed ourselves to be real and vulnerable with anyone willing to pray. We've allowed each of you in to the places of our hearts that are most deep and sacred. And we're better for it.
And today between whispering praise... I told Him how badly I didn't want that part to end. The part that has brought a sweet community into our lives. The part where we've been so honest about where we're at that it hurts... only to be held in a way that has moved us to love Him better. The part where I lay my heart bare in black and white... only to have all of you respond in a way that moves me to tears. I don't want to give that part up. I don't want to give up the part where we all get honest about the times when we hear Him whisper... and the times when we struggle to feel Him. I've come to deeply love that part of this.
This has changed not only us but the direction we were going. It has changed our perspective and drawn out some of our deepest passions. I still cannot work for the remainder of my pregnancy and each of my kids has been sweetly settled in to a new place which leaves me able to search my heart. We have learned, in all of this, that even our best laid plans can crumble leaving us in sweet surrender to whatever He would lead us to. And right now, I am at peace with allowing Him to usher me into new places. Right now, I am fully and utterly content with carrying Jayda and loving my husband and meeting for coffee with many of you. I am soaking up the mornings alone with my Jesus and having no agenda except for what He lays before me. This has been a sweet time of reconnection in so many ways.
And I'm praying that part doesn't end. We deeply value the community that has formed around us and the real and honest way so many of you have shared your hearts in response to our situation. I have loved getting to better know so many of you who have come and sat on the couch with me and shared your life. Please don't stop. I'd love if we could all continue on this walk of loving Him... together. A deep dream of my heart has always been to share life with many.... over coffee and laundry. So many of you have made that a reality... and one I want to hold tightly to.
So come on over... I'll make you some coffee... and we continue to marvel together over a Love so deep you cannot remain unchanged by it.