I'm exhausted... and my head is spinning... and there are a million things I want to say.
But right now... I just want off. I want off this train that feels like it's going 200 hundred miles an hour. And I just want it to stop.
I had an ultrasound this morning and the results were alarming enough that my Dr. called me less than an hour later.
"Your daughter is not doing well. She is very small and is not getting what she needs. We will need to keep a very close eye on her from this point on. You need to come in for steroid shots immediatly to develop her lungs because there is a good chance we'll need to deliever her before they reach maturity. I want you to have ultrasounds twice a week and we will monitor her movements, breathing, and growth. If anything is off we will send you to the hospital and put you on monitors and deliver you if necessary. You need to be ready. My hope at this point is that we can get you to go another three of four weeks before taking her but if she doesn't grow it is safer for her to be born early than to stay inside of you."
Jayda is only three pounds.... very very small for a 33 weeker. All I could think about was how tiny that was...
She's too little to come yet... she isn't ready... I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to do this again... the ultrasounds and the waiting and the fear. I'm not ready for shots and monitors and a daugther that is much too small and not ready to breathe on her own.
Until the ultrasound we thought everything was fine. I was measuring a week ahead even... My blood pressure and weight were right on target. Everything looked wonderful until they took a look inside.
As we watched her suck her little fingers and kick her feet this morning I just marveled at my daughter. I wondered what color her hair would be and whose eyes she would have.... when we would get to meet her. Before they told me her weight I was even joking with the ultrasound tech that I was afraid she's be big because both Micaiah and I were 9 pounds.
I went back to Grace Refuge this afternoon and 5 little people laid their hands on my belly while Margy once again prayed for my baby. I'm telling you... you haven't experianced prayer until 3 year olds put their hands on you and pray for your baby to grow.
I came home with every intention to pack my bags and get things ready... instead I collapsed. I trust my Jesus. There was a time when we were simply prayed I'd be able to make it to twenty three weeks. There was a time when we never dreamed I'd be able to make it this far. And part of me feels like I should be grateful... But right now... this feels like too much to carry.... and I'm tired and I'm weary and I just want my daughter to be okay.
I have another shot of steroids tomorrow and an Ultrasound again on Friday. After that I will have ultrasounds every Tuesday and Friday as well as my appointments with Dr. Goerish. I'm not on stict bedrest but she wants me getting as much rest as possible and to take it easy. She said there is really no way of knowing when we will deliver her... and so again we walk it out day by day... waiting and praying.
unable to see what is ahead.
Again we covet your prayers... again we ask that you join us on your knees on behalf of our daughter.